Category Archives: Autism and Stuff

Are You Autism Mom Enough?

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Surely by now you’ve seen that ridiculous Time cover and possibly read the articles that went along with it. If you haven’t, get out from under that rock you are under and try reading a newspaper or somethin’…I’ll wait while you Google that shiz.

Anywho, I got to thinking. I was/am what you’d call “AP” or Attachment Parent.I’m not some militant freak who doesn’t shower and makes everything from scratch. I don’t stalk Dr. Sears and there’s no one single, solitary focus to my parenting style. We do what we do because it makes sense to us and it works for our family.  I do not, however, do stuff to make other people feel like they have to keep up with the Jones. Joneses. Whatevs.  I don’t berate anyone who doesn’t practice what I practice. In fact, I think those articles painted most AP parents in a very bad and unfair light. There’s no competition folks.

You wanna know what attachment parenting is? It’s about getting in tune with your child’s needs. It’s about finding ways to support them emotionally. It’s about parenting to the best of your ability WITHOUT GUILT. It’s about being truthful with yourself, educating yourself and doing what’s best for your family. Not following some cult blindly, not copping out and slacking off, not doing stuff because other people do it, not feeling like crap because you don’t.

You wanna know what I despise? Mommy wars. In my world, they don’t exist. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You just have to be true to yourself and your family. And, remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

In the Autism and special needs worlds? Yep. Mommy Wars. I choose not to get involved. I do, however, advocate for my children to the best of my ability. I’m there for them as much as I humanly can be. I do probably do a bit more than the average parent (see? I’m making progress admitting this Special Parenting thing is HARD) but there is no Hardship Olympics. This isn’t a competition. We should be there for each other, no matter the disability. There shouldn’t be anyone made to feel inferior because they aren’t Autism Parent of the Year or because they didn’t win some list with their blog.

If you can truly say you do your best parenting, to the best of your ability? Good enough for me. If you don’t do a damn thing and you know it? This is a call to action. You can do better. Your kid needs you to do better. No excuses.  And don’t feel like I’m judging you. It’s up to you and it’s between you and your own personal demons, mmkay?

Me? I’m glad I was an AP parent. I feel that due to my children’s issues it was the best darn thing I could have done. Not the cloth diapering part (that didn’t last long) or the breastfeeding part (that did last long). The part where I attempted to parent a little differently, constantly educate myself and support them emotionally to the best of my ability while doing my best to help them developmentally. Cosleep? Yes, we did. We do. When they NEED it. Every night? No. Only when they NEED us there. Most nights my kids want to be in their own rooms, in their own beds reading or listening to music as they fall asleep. It wasn’t always that way, but we let them feel secure in their own time. And The Guy I Live With slept on the couch a lot.

I KEED.

A little.

But for realz, the way I parent my kids? MY BUSINESS. What you do? YOUR BUSINESS. If it isn’t working for you or for me? We need to look at what we’re doing and see where we can change things. What I do know is my kids are happy, confident and well-adjusted, considering their challenges.

And that’s ok by me.

Follow the RULES

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Bug Boy is our little policeman. In other words, he knows the rules and he’s gonna enforce them no matter what. At school this can sometimes make him less-than-popular because after a while the other kids grow tired of, “SHE SAID PUT THE PENCILS IN THE PENCIL CAN. YOU STILL HAVE YOUR PENCIL!  IT’S AGAINST THE RULES!  AAAAAH!” and then his head blows up and it makes a big mess and no one likes brains on them, right?  Except zombies.

Anywho, he’s the same way at home. We get chastised for our language use and if we bend the rules we certainly hear about it. Now, you might think HE follows the rules to the letter. Well, he does. Sorta. The rules that make sense in HIS head. And if there’s a rule he doesn’t care for he finds a loophole. Seriously, this kid is the LOOPHOLE MASTER. I’ve never seen someone so adept.

We had a dental checkup for him this week and he’s pretty good about taking care of his teeth. Fortunately he inherited his father’s perfectly straight teeth and it looks like he won’t need braces EVER. Seriously, I’ve never seen straighter ones. They’re perfect and wonderful. At the end of the appointment the hygienist said, “He should avoid anything sticky or sweet until tomorrow but he can eat right away.” Since we were in the usual mad rush to get there (EIGHT IN THE MORNING? WHAT WAS I THINKING?) we had to get breakfast on his way to school. We stopped at the local convenience place and he grabbed a hashbrown. I was all, “Want a drink? Want a yoohoo? Special treat!” Because I wanted a yoohoo and the only way I can get one without looking like a large child is to get one for my kid and stuff.

But he refused.

A kid. Refused sugar. And chocolate. And total crap in a bottle.

So I pressed on. “C’mon, yoohoo!  Special treat!” And he said, “MOM. Didn’t you hear her? Nothing sweet or sticky until tomorrow. THAT WOULD BE AGAINST THE RULES.”

I swear he’s more and more like my father and brother every day.

Then last night we were preparing for his big school trip to the Wetlands Institute today. I helped him pack his bag and we figured out lunch and whatnot. Glancing at the list I noticed they were permitted to bring five dollars to the trip for the gift shop. So I told him to grab his wallet and get a five dollar bill if he wanted to have some spending money.

What followed was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. He COULD NOT POSSIBLY bring a five dollar bill!  The old ladies in the gift shop are too busy! There aren’t enough cashiers! They won’t make change!  He’ll be the ONLY KID without five ones!  AND IT HAD TO BE FIVE ONES!  Not five dollars in quarters!  THE TEACHER SAID FIIIIIVE OOOOONNNNEEES!  I WILL GET IN TROUBLE! WAAAAAAAAH!

Oh my heck. For realz.

His mother is a big meany head and was all, “IF THE TEACHER WANTS FIVE ONES SHE CAN GO OUT AT 9 IN THE POURING RAIN AND GET FIVE ONES. I AIN’T GOING OUT.”

And his father was the nice guy and exchanged five ones for a five and instantly the waterworks stopped and he put it in his wallet and into his backpack.

Sometimes OCD is fun. Like when I say, “We have ten minutes until we have to leave! Finish quickly” And in nine minutes I say, “Ok! Time to go! It’s 8am!” And he’s all, “I STILL HAVE ONE MINUTE. IT IS SEVEN FIFTY-NINE.” Or if I say, “Give the dogs each a cup and a half” and if I scoop out an eighth over that he’s all, “MOOOOM. THAT’S FIVE EIGHTHS! TOO MUCH!  WAAAAAH!”

And people wonder why I get stressed out.

I’m Tricky Trickster

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The past few months Bugaboo has had a bit of a personality change. His usual happy-happy-happiness was replaced with a sulky, withdrawn child who screamed for hours, stopped sleeping and bit the heck out of himself. We’ve been clawing our way back (slowly, very slowly) but every day there’s a new change and another thing to celebrate.

We almost have him back but we’re still perplexed about the water/pool thing and the outside thing. Like, how does a kid go from climbing out of windows to get outside to refusing to go outside? Or showering several times a day to refusing to bathe or go to the pool? With the outdoor swim club opening in a few weeks we need to get on this, yo. We spend a large part of our summer at that pool. He was doing great by the end of the summer, swimming across the pool and jumping off the dive!

The past week I had a new plan. We’re working with his school on an at-home program where the parents come up with goals and the school helps us implement them. I’m taking a “class” to do this. A lot of it is a shout out to my special ed days, writing down steps for task analysis and taking data. So I’m more than familiar with it. Besides, I’m the kind of person who constantly educates myself about best practices and we do our own version of therapy here at Casa DG. Bugaboo THINKS he is coming home to relax but he doesn’t realize he’s WORKING. MWAHAHAHA!!! EVIL MOMMY!

Anywho, the not going outside thing has been WEIRD. He did go out once for about ten seconds (and I video taped him! I WAS SO EXCITED) to the trampoline. Then the next day he refused. And I thought back and said to myself, “He stopped everything two months ago after a night on the trampoline. Hmmmm…” And decided to start there. So the past week I’ve been upping the ante.  ”Want iPad? First go outside and touch the trampoline. Then you get iPad.” And the first night he was LIVID but we did it (with Mommy’s powers of persuasion, aka physical assistance). And the next few nights? More of the same.

Then there was last night.

It started out as “keep away from Mommy and Daddy and squeal loudly” but as soon as I got him outside and off the patio? He walked on his own (no hand under his arm pit) to the trampoline. Where he willingly touched it. Then turned on his heel,noticed the new sand in the sandbox and played for a minute.

Then he went back inside to the iPad.

And I was all kinds of excited for that. Because he’s getting it. BUT WAIT!  THERE’S MORE!  He slipped back outside a few minutes later and played in the sandbox for another hour. HOUR. OUTSIDE. And ok,so he happened to eat some. But HE PLAYED. OUTSIDE. FOR AN HOUR.

That’s the most we’ve had from him in two months.

We’ve done something similar with the bathing/going to bed routine. It takes both of us (one on each side) to get him up the stairs but once he’s up there and gets over the initial squeal? I cannot get him out of the shower. Then this weekend something even better happened!  Instead of running back downstairs like a bat our out of Hades, he climbed into bed with Daddy. Then the next night he started for the stairs, stopped, cocked his head to the side and climbed into his bed. And he cried for a second when I left so I went back in and got him some water and he dozed off with a CD in one hand and his torn/destroyed Elmo book in the other, watching his laser light show. And last night?  We didn’t get a successful shower but he DID play in the sprinkler for a few minutes and put himself in bed.

PUT HIMSELF IN BED, PEOPLE.

So it appears we may be getting back to “normal” around here.

You know, whatever that is.

So This is What IT Feels Like!

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I know that sometimes life is one of those “be careful what you wish for” experiences.

For example, I was never, EVER what anyone would describe as a patient person. NO WAY. NO HOW. And then I had my kids. Let’s just say I’m learning TONS of patience these days.

Another thing I always wished for? ” Normal” days. You know, so I could feel like everyone else? Or pretend to be like everyone else? The thing is, I’ll never have “normal.” I’ll only have our version of “normal.” Which, incidentally, is CHAOTIC, LOUD AND OVERSTIMULATED. Yes, I’m aware I’m shouting. I’m illustrating a point!

The past few months have been anything BUT normal.  Since the day we drove home from vacation last July/August my life has been in total, constant upheaval. And the lives of everyone close to me. See, that was the day my sister called to tell me my Dad was being kept in the hospital. They thought he had some sort of blockage that turned out to be the dreaded C-word. And it all went downhill from there. From December on there’s been one gigantic thunderstorm over my house, complete with torrential downpours and knee-deep mud (figuratively speaking) and y’all know how much I LERVE mud and rainstorms.

I’m finally starting to see glimpses of light here and there. Since we spiraled out of control a few months ago and both boys were in serious crisis mode (AND I MEAN SERIOUS, YO) we’ve been clawing our way back out of the Pit of Despair. Little by little we’re winning tiny battles here and there and we’re getting our boys back. We’ve come a long way in a few short months. We’ve learned new things about their health and we’re trying new things to maintain their health.

Like witchcraft. And magic. (that was me being ironical)

But seriously, I feel like we’re in a good place. Oodles of doctor’s appointments, therapy appointments and prescriptions later, I can happily say, “SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!”

We didn’t just get improvement, y’all. We now have major changes. I feel like my boys are the little men they were destined to be. I’m seeing progress I’ve never seen in such a short amount of time. They are HAPPY. They SMILE and LAUGH. They SLEEP!  OH THEY SLEEEEEEEP!  And I feel like we’re enjoying family life again, instead of dreading every morning and evening and constantly walking on eggshells.

I know things will ebb and flow and I’m totally down with that. But this?

This feeling is amazing.

I feel like  we have our boys back. And our family back. I’m so happy I could cry.

This weekend Bugaboo was happy and calm. No bathroom accidents, very independent, he even climbed into bed with The Guy I Live With on Saturday night. Voluntarily. You know, the kid who hasn’t gone upstairs in three months unless forced or carried sound asleep? Yep. Him. And when I went up to bed I was able to get him to stumble into his room half asleep. BUT! THERE’S MORE!  He’s been in such a happy mood. He’s been completing small jobs around the house, has been eating much better, trying new foods and all around just a cheerful little guy. Sunday I got really brave and decided to take him to a local street fair. You know, parade, live acts, music on three stages, CHAOS, NOISE, HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE. We brought the wheelchair stroller and the iPad for reinforcements but we didn’t need them.

That kid walked around for two hours in utter chaos. With no problems. TWO. HOURS. PEOPLE. Unheard of!  We enjoyed ourselves! I was able to stop and chat with friends!  And Bug Boy brought his friend with us and they were able to walk around and do what they wanted to do (which was, hold onto their money and not spend anything).

When we got back home Bugaboo hibernated a little on the couch but then ventured outside a little at a time. He ate an awesome dinner. Then he used the bathroom successful, took a shower with little-to-no whining and ENJOYED IT. He played in the water and sang to himself. Then he got dressed and climbed into bed. ON HIS OWN.

And he woke up this morning and ate breakfast and got on the bus with nary a whimper.

And Bug Boy woke up, showered and got ready for school without one grumpy moment. Not one snide remark or dramatic moment.

People, is this what it’s like? IS THIS WHAT NORMAL FEELS LIKE?

Because I could seriously get used to this, yo.

Autism is…Often Unexpected. Complete With Video!

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So I got this bright idea last night I’d make a video. It originally was just gonna be a general post with nothing autism-related but then I was interrupted.

View for yourself:

And the aftermath:

I apologize for the sh*tty camera work. HAHAAHAHA!!! I said “sh*tty!” GET IT?

Have a day.

Autism is…Joy in Small Things

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If there’s one thing I needed in my life twelve years ago, it was an attitude adjustment (TWELVE YEARS? ACK!).

I was flying high, not a care in the world. I was impatient, impulsive, immature. I complained about first world problems, didn’t appreciate what I had in my life and saw the glass half empty more often than half full. If there’s one thing I learned over the past twelve years it is patience. Be careful what you wish for, by the way. I always prayed for patience. I knew I needed to learn it. AND BOY HOWDY, LESSON LEARNED.

I’m type-A all the way, yo. Energy, emotion? I gots it. Bug Boy is a carbon copy of me. Heart on his sleeve (well, you know, except for when you need to know something important) and an external processor. Bugaboo is more like his father: quiet, laid-back, introspective.

One of the biggest learning curves? Besides the PATIENCE? Learning to appreciate the little things in life. Silver linings. Blessings. Glass is full. Whatever you wanna call it. I learned it.

I used to look at my life and I was sad because of the things that were missing. I didn’t look at the big picture. I didn’t realize how full my life was and I certainly didn’t think everyday ordinary things were anything to celebrate.

Let’s just say my perspective has changed a wee bit.

No, my life isn’t easy. I don’t get everything I want, for sure. I do, however, have what I need. My family is happy (though we have our share of speed bumps). My boys are thriving and growing and progressing every single day. They are healthy. They are loved. They don’t totally hate me (yet). I have a roof over my head. I have two goofy dogs. A fabulous, supportive family. Good educations for my children. A wonderful neighborhood. Seriously, I have it good.

Yes, we struggle. I don’t get adequate sleep. But I have a big, comfy bed to sleep in. My house is messy and things are broken. But my husband is magical and knows how to fix sh*t. And he fixes a lot of sh*t. My kid may not talk, but he has things to say. And he’s learning to communicate.

See, I realized a long time ago it ain’t the big things in life that make you happy. Money is nice but it only goes so far. A decent car is good but it doesn’t wrap its arms around you when you are sad. I’d looooooove new floors but what we have now works. For now.

It’s the little things, people. Bug Boy has grown and matured so much. He is not the same boy he was five years ago when he began school. He is confident, happy and full of love for learning. He is inquisitve. He is thoughtful. He has compassion. He wants to take care of me, of his brother and Dad, of his pets. I couldn’t be a prouder Momma.  But this puberty…having trouble APPRECIATING it. See.

Bugaboo is doing much better than he was three years ago. And even though we had a recent rough patch (WHOA) we made it through. We’re starting to see improvements every single day. He is happy again. Smiling. Starting to do the things he loves again. SLEEPING. Every ounce of it I celebrate. Every little step. Every little thing he does. Like this:

That kid is pure joy, I tells ya. How could you be angry and bitter after seeing that?

Our journeys are different. Your mileage may vary. Me? I choose joy. Life is to short to be angry and sad and bitter. And while I  feel those things once in a while (Ok, more often than that, I AM human, after all), my boys deserve a Momma who is happy. They deserve a family who can get through the tough stuff and still find joy. It isn’t easy. It’s just what I chose to do a long time ago.

Yep, things suck sometimes.

But the joy in the small things? That’s what gets me through the tough times.

About That Roller Coaster

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So we survived spring break by the skin of our teeth.

Both boys had only ten days off (I say only because friends and relatives had TWO WHOLE WEEKS) so we got through. I kept them on their schedule for the most part and did some fun stuff. Like go to IKEA. But another IKEA, as in a different one.

Bugaboo was not amused.

While he is improving a teensy bit each day, he’s still somewhat reclusive and isn’t terribly interested in doing anything he used to love doing two months ago. Like shower ten times a day. Or stim on sugar, salt, bleach and toilet cleaner. This would prolly be a good thing in a different household. For us, if Bugaboo isn’t getting into EVERYTHING and breaking at least one thing a day something is terribly amiss.

But then yesterday they went back to school. Thing seemed to be magically falling into place. Bugaboo had a great day at school, Bug Boy had a great day at school, our doctor’s appointment went quite well and they went to bed a bit too easily.

And naturally, neither of them wanted to wake up today.

Bugaboo is still waking a bit at night but thankfully the majority of the shrieking/screaming/meltdowns are going away. He is sleeping better than he was two months ago, for sure. I’ll take it, yo. Two hours of sleep is better than no sleep. Some nights he is up giggling and wanting to play Slingo on his iPad (don’t ask) and when he finally dozes off I can’t fall asleep and when I finally doze off it’s time to wake up for the day.

Oh, the IRONY!

Fortunately, the boys are back at school. Which means NAPS FOR MEEEE!!!!  I’m the luckiest girl in the world!

So I’m glad his med change is going well, it was clearly the right thing to do. I’m still frustrated with what to do at night, since he seems to be still asleep, almost like it’s a walking nightmare (the screaming and shrieking). I’m thrilled he is starting to be more and more like himself, like last night at the doctor’s when he was giggling, smiling, doing his gymnastics on the couch and launching himself around the room. Back to his old self for a few!  I’m still sad, however, that he hasn’t gone outside much (though he did at school yesterday! PROGRESS!).

Basically, it’s still a work in progress.

But I’m sooooo happy things are finally improving. It’s been a dark couple of months.

SHAMELESS VOTE WHORING:  I’ve been nominated for Babble top Autism Blogs. Do you love me?  Then clicky, yo. Even if you don’t love me. Because everytime you don’t vote for me, a unicorn dies. Won’t you please think of the unicorns?  Also, I’m a delicate flower and stuff and my sense of self-worth revolves around getting clicky thingies on the internets by strangers.  Thank you.